Sharing Perspective, Part 1

Karen and I always tried to turn problems into opportunities. We felt that we could figure out how to make something bad into something good.

That has been tough with her cancer, and I’ve done my best since her passing to find ways to follow through. Part of the purpose of this blog is now to help others on a similar journey, but I struggle to find ways to do that even after all this time.

Something happened in my life that makes me need to start sharing some perspectives that most people don’t need to have, thankfully.

When Karen was first diagnosed with cancer, there is a lot of shock. She and I wanted to think that it was something that could be overcome. We told ourselves that we could fight through it. Surgery was scheduled, the hopes were high. What do you say to people? How do you respond to people? Why do we need to spend so much of our effort responding to people?

We learned a lot during this time, and I’d like to share some of that here.

Obligation…

In the early days of the battle we learned quite a bit about the different ways that people reached out to us. I learned about the concept of obligation.

We all know people who have been sick. Some of us are unfortunate enough to know people who are SICK. What do we do? Certainly, we reach out and see if we can help! I’d like to encourage you to consider HOW to reach out.

When we leave a message or send a text that says “what can I do?” we are creating an obligation for a response. The same goes for ANY question, including “how was the test,” or “would you like me to check on your cat?”

Most of us send those types of messages really want to help, but we’re actually creating an obligation for a response of some sort.

For Karen and me it became so difficult that we created this blog. Karen assigned me the task of managing the obligations.

In the early days of the blog I referenced an article about how to interact with somebody that has cancer. The article basically tells how to not become an obligation. When you want to help you can say that you’d like to help, and state how. If you’re close enough to the person you’ll know how they might need help. For example, you might say “I’d be glad to pick up some groceries and cat food and drop them by, if you need.” Or you can say “I’m hoping the test turned out well and I’m here for you if you need anything.” None of those create an obligation to respond.

When somebody close becomes SICK, we want to help. But we should think about that person before ourselves. We don’t want to become an obligation. Don’t be an obligation. Be a resource, a comfort, or even a distraction.

Instead of asking if there is anything they need, offer to babysit the kids if something comes up. Or offer to do the grocery shopping, or offer a shoulder to cry on. But don’t ask a question. Reach out, express your thoughts, make your offer, and don’t ask for anything. Don’t ask a question.

Karen and I were fortunate to have people who knew what to say when they reached out to us. We had people who left gifts at the door without ever knocking. We had letters in the mail without the need to reciprocate. We had friends who knew when and how to be there for us. We were fortunate.

I hope you never have somebody in your life become SICK, but if you do, please consider how you interact with them. Don’t add to their obligations. Instead, find ways to provide comfort.

And for Fuck’s sake, don’t fucking offer advice. More on that in a future part…