Whew! Obligation is a hard thing to describe well, so I’ll try to add some perspective on that. I’d like to talk a little about the “why” about it.
First, although I often refer back to my experiences, I’m not writing this at this particular time because of them. I have a family member going through a similar situation, and it’s brought some of these things to mind, and made them fresh again, so it seemed like a good time to capture my thoughts on a few things.
We all want to reach out to friends and family when they are sick. We want them to feel better. We want them to know they are loved and that we are thinking of them and/or praying for them. These are positive desires and come from a fantastic place.
Cancer is a tough foe to vanquish. Even the winners have to struggle through the worst days of their lives. They go through periods where they struggle with a lack of energy and often have to go through situations (surgeries, procedures, etc.) where they are in the most pain they have ever been in. Every day is a struggle of some sort, whether emotional or physical, or both.
People normally go through life in a pattern. They wake up with the same people around them. They talk to the same people throughout the day. They see their friends and family in a regular way. Except when they are sick. Then the pattern changes. And when you’re sick you’re less able to adapt.
A person’s inner circle is comprised of the people that are closest to them. These are the people who are a part of their daily life (physically and/or emotionally). This doesn’t necessarily mean living in the same house, but the circle usually starts there. These people are pretty much exempt from the obligation equation, and may not be subject changes in the pattern. If you question whether you are in somebody’s inner circle, then you aren’t.
For those outside of the inner circle, imagine if 20 people suddenly reached out to you asking you questions while you are getting ready for work, on a normal day. Now imagine it right before surgery, right after surgery, or perhaps while you are struggling your way back to the bed after throwing up your dinner because you can’t keep your Campbell’s soup down.
Those 20 messages can be a blessing, or a curse. If the sender asks questions, then there is that O word I mentioned in the last blog post, obligation. The person has to respond, or they will feel bad that they didn’t. In this case, the sender is creating situations that might make the recipient feel worse.
On the flip side, some forethought and a carefully crafted text might communicate the same message (that we care about the person and that we want the best for the person) and not create an obligation to respond or put them in a situation where they feel bad. 20 text messages that all say that they are loved and that the sender is there for them if needed would be a wonderful thing. I personally try to include that “there is no need to respond.”
If you send a message knowing that it’s going to be received immediately after tasting dinner for the second time, what would that message say? A great message might include that you’re thinking about them, that you hope things went okay, that you love them, and that you’re going grocery shopping later and would be happy to pick up anything for them and drop it by if they need. No need to respond.
I know that I left the last blog post off with a sentence with a couple swear words. I spoke poorly, and I apologize. I was a little hasty in my comments and didn’t spend as much time editing as I should have. Normally I’m a little bit better at that. I should have said that for fuck’s sake, don’t fucking offer unsolicited fucking advice. Thanks for letting me qualify that. And I still intend to say why I think that in one of the next posts.
….❤….