Wow! So, if you’ve read the last couple blog posts you know that I feel passionately about the O word, obligation.
You might have also picked up some negative vibes about advice and how I think it creates many of the worst kinds of obligations for somebody who is fighting cancer. I admit that I put the vibes out there in a pretty pronounced way. Let’s have some background and supplemental information to help you understand my reasons for writing about this, and other obligations, before I say more.
My wife, my whole reason for living, passed away after a heart-wrenching struggle with cancer. During that battle I was specifically called upon to help her manage obligations, among other things. She charged me with many tasks, some of them easy, while others difficult. These were tasks I took up willingly, grateful that she’d entrust me with them. I’ll take some of the tasks to the grave with me. I was sometimes able to be the good guy, and sometimes was perceived to be the bad guy.
Throughout the time that I knew her, Karen was the first to share inspiration and make those around her feel good, but she didn’t share some of the darker parts with many. She did not want to share her pain with the world, but did so with me.
The fact that she shared the difficult parts with me is humbling. Karen had been through some tough times before we got together and she laid some of it down for me during our first date. It was a unique first date to say the least. I previously wrote about our first date in other posts but in addition to what I might have shared previously, she also shared some fears and insecurities, including her medical background and more, because when these things came out later in other relationships it had ended the relationship.
We started our relationship based upon honesty. I even swore to her on that first date that I’d never lie to her, and I never did, about anything. As our relationship developed she grew to trust me to love her even at her worse, and was always comfortable being herself with me, sharing the parts of her that the outside world would never see.
I am an honest person. I don’t care to lie to anybody, even strangers. I might dissemble or refuse to answer, but don’t lie, at least not as a general rule. Sometimes when a spam caller gets me on the phone I’ll lie to them. Otherwise I’m not willing to sacrifice my morals, especially not just to avoid an uncomfortable situation. I care about who I am, and I want to be a truthful person. My desire to be honest is about me, not somebody else. I’m sorry if you’ve ever asked me a question and I’ve answered by asking whether you really wanted me to answer that question. I’m not trying to be cute. It’s a genuine warning that you might not like my answer.
So, when I write blog articles I sometimes don’t publish some stories, whether it’s because I’m not willing to open myself up to the reader, or don’t want to make others think that I’m speaking about them when I am critical about something, because I write them as honestly as I remember them. Sometimes the truth hurts, whether it’s sharing a truth about me or somebody else. I’m willing to write about mistakes I made, but am hesitant to write about mistakes somebody else might have.
At the end of the day all I really want to do is share experiences that we had with the world. There are others that can learn from us. Yet I keep some articles unpublished because in some of these stories people might remember what they did during the time, and think I’m speaking about them, even though I’m not.
It’s a weight I feel. And what’s ironic is that for the most part I can’t remember who did or said what. As time passes, and as I get older, my memory slips. I try to hold on to my best memories of people when I can. I genuinely feel that Karen and I had a wonderful support structure. We had friends and family who all wanted the best for us, and were willing to do just about anything we needed. And when you start with knowing that anything done is coming from love, then it makes the rest come easier.
This blog is about Karen and the things that she went through. A couple weeks ago one of my close relatives was diagnosed with cancer, and she has a similar type of cancer that Karen did. I wrote a handful of blog posts afterwards, and even published a couple, but I should have started with a blog more like this, to explain my perspective. I’m sorry, I can’t share who it is, until I get permission, and I’ve had other things to discuss with her. Not that most will know the person anyway.
I have found my hands to be tied in recent years when I tell some of my stories, because I don’t want people reading them and thinking that anything I’m saying is about them. It’s really not. But there are some stories that need told if Karen’s struggle is to be used to help others. I need to share those stories to help others, potentially others that Karen also loved.
I’ll yet publish a blog about advice, probably next weekend. But it’s not about you. Or perhaps it’s more accurate to say that even if I mention something that you think you might remember that you might have done, it’s not because I remember that you might have done whatever it is. You didn’t do it, and I don’t remember you doing it, so we’re both in the clear. I’ll also clarify in my post about advice that family and close friends are exempt anyway, so it’s not really an issue for anybody that likely reads this blog.
I am writing some posts on obligation that not only come from our experiences, but also from those I learned through group therapy. The challenges related to obligation seemed pretty universal when I’ve spoken to others in similar situations. Unfortunately, I’ve been the person to create obligation. I’ve been the person to make a friend’s suffering about themselves. I’ve been the person who has provided unsolicited advice, many, many, many times. It’s important that we all know that I’m not writing anything from a position of moral high ground. Oh no, I have no authority to do that at all.
Mostly what I’d like to do is to share what Karen and I experienced when it comes to the obligation that all people have toward each other in life, and speak about how heavy a burden it can become to somebody going through what Karen did. It’s something that people in a similar situation might go through as well, and the blog articles will hopefully describe ways that people can approach conversations and actions, keeping the concept in mind. Very few that have not experienced the feeling of obligation when they are in a situation like this are even aware of it, and this is a way that Karen’s experiences can yet help others, which is something she wanted.
Thank you for the opportunity to clarify, and for the understanding. I apologize if anything I write makes the reader uncomfortable.
Coming up in the near future… Pretty please, no unsolicited advice, thank you.
….❤…