I Know How You Feel

I think I’ll start with speaking about some of the basic components of a good conversation. When we speak with others, there is some give and take involved in any good conversation. We listen to the opening of the conversation, we reply with something we want to share, and then we navigate the course of the conversation.

“How was your week?”
“I had a tough week. My cat died and my car broke down.”

It’s here that the conversation can go awry. We can either follow the course of the conversation, or we can try to wrench it away from the other person. We have two choices. We can continue to ask questions related to the cat or the car (obviously the cat is the more important topic), or we can try to divert the focus to ourselves.

First option… “Oh my, I’m sorry about your cat. What happened?”
Second option… “My week wasn’t so good either. My water heater went out and it got the floor wet.”

Everybody knows somebody who needs to keep the focus on them during the conversation. We have cousins, aunts & uncles, friends from high school, neighbors, and others who need to tell you something, and don’t allow space in the conversation for you to share. There is no give or take, but just take. It’s all about them.

People regularly ask questions even though they don’t care enough about the other person to continue the conversation in it’s natural direction. Instead, they try to direct the conversation toward something they want to speak about. They want to speak about how their week went, so they ask you how your week was, and use the opening to take over.

These people are conversation narcissists. We all can be in one degree or another.

A prime example of this is when we share something and the other person responds “I know how you feel,” sometimes followed with some sort of anecdote that may (or may not) be similar to what was shared.

“I had a tough week. My cat died and my car broke down.”
“I know how you feel. My cat Lucky got run over by a truck when I was a kid. I loved that cat. He was the best cat. I miss that little tabby…” and so on.

Instead of asking how they are managing the loss, or asking if there was anything they could do to help, they start talking about themselves, and their unlucky cat Lucky.

What they did was hijack the conversation, and did so while trying to rob you of the unique feeling of your loss.

Saying “I know how you feel” is a dick move, especially when you are speaking with people struggling with something like cancer. Saying that you know how they feel doesn’t do anything to help them, but does take something from them. It doesn’t help them deal with their pain, it tells them that you don’t think their pain is special.

YOU DON’T KNOW HOW THEY FEEL. Please don’t tell somebody that you do. Especially when they are battling cancer.